the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
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By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
kevin is now a local weatherman
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it