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@UncleDuke1969

him: license and registration please
me: *hands them over*
him: *eats license and registration*
me: now wait a min-
him: *burps* insurance card please

@crushingbort

Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child

@Loli_Sug

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

@ElleOhHell

“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350

@Integrity_Guy

BuzzFeed is selling all your quiz data. If you were wondering what Ninja Turtle you were in 2011 and got “Michelangelo,” good luck getting a mortgage now.

@ryanchris

The Golden Globes is how everyone else on twitter gets revenge on sports fans.

@Rollmaninoz

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

@jake_lach

When I was 12 I ate a bee to impress a girl, and she just sent me a friend request on Facebook. So, mission accomplished.

@VerbsRProudest

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Can we go get ice cream?

Me: It’s freezing outside.

4: I know. It won’t melt.