Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
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I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.