@MyNameIsArchaic

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.

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@Scdavis24

I emailed my ex-girlfriend “Are you still alive” and she emailed back “No” which made me sad but also excited that they have email in hell.

@notreallysophie

I’m watching a first date in a cafe, she says her favorite fruits are cherries or strawberries, and he nods knowingly and says “red fruits”

@daemonic3

What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?

@VaguelyFunnyDan

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

@yonewt

the crows and the ducks are having a turf war in my backyard it’s like the squawkiest version of west side story ever

@_ShutUpKate

*gets eaten by a shark*

At funeral: “She died doing what she loved…*sob*…feeding the animals.”

@Book_Krazy

Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.

@miahoth

If you’re thinking about writing a reddit post about it the relationship is over

@randypaint

dumbledore: we need u to hand deliver the letter to harry

hagrid: why don’t u just make one magically appear into his hands

dumbledore: do i look like a wizard