“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
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#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.