@MyNameIsArchaic

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.

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@Hormonella

Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.

@writerPT

Hubs: If you could sleep with…

Me: THOR!!!

Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.

Me: Ohhhh…

@myles_morrison

Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain beard
2.) prisoner of war beard
3.) homeless person beard
4.) wizard beard

@KissabiX

My friends car got stolen and was handed back littered with evidence of drugs.

Great, now a car is having a more interesting life than I.

@flashember

[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY

@AbbyHasIssues

How to use a credit card machine:

1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!

@hazelmotes1

Inspirational Tweet: The journey of 1,000 miles begins with “daaaaad I have to peeeeee”

@DirtMcTurd

“Heres your social security card, you need it forever! Its made of paper, don’t laminate it. Good luck.”
-The Government