“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.

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I emailed my ex-girlfriend “Are you still alive” and she emailed back “No” which made me sad but also excited that they have email in hell.


I’m watching a first date in a cafe, she says her favorite fruits are cherries or strawberries, and he nods knowingly and says “red fruits”


What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?


When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.


the crows and the ducks are having a turf war in my backyard it’s like the squawkiest version of west side story ever


*gets eaten by a shark*

At funeral: “She died doing what she loved…*sob*…feeding the animals.”


Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.


If you’re thinking about writing a reddit post about it the relationship is over


dumbledore: we need u to hand deliver the letter to harry

hagrid: why don’t u just make one magically appear into his hands

dumbledore: do i look like a wizard