“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
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Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
BRAKING NEWS!!
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Based Erika
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.