yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
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[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me