Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
Yeah, this guy is wearing green-colored skinny jeans and he has a really hot girlfriend. So do I judge him…or her?
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I’m like a mouse. If u give a mouse a cookie hes gonna want some milk. If u gimme a beer im gonna want some nachos. Plus we both like cheese
A study found that Buzzfeed is the least trusted news source in media. Serves them right for telling me I belong in Hufflepuff.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Even scarier than seeing a shark fin in the water is seeing a lion mane, because you know the chase isn’t over once you reach land.
If I were really famous, I wouldn’t even need body guards.
These maxi pads promise me 10 hours of protection, each.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.