@Dallani

Yes, 911?…
Yeah, this guy is wearing green-colored skinny jeans and he has a really hot girlfriend. So do I judge him…or her?

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@tourettzgoth

Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette

@DaddyJew

I’m like a mouse. If u give a mouse a cookie hes gonna want some milk. If u gimme a beer im gonna want some nachos. Plus we both like cheese

@abrosenthal

A study found that Buzzfeed is the least trusted news source in media. Serves them right for telling me I belong in Hufflepuff.

@loudmouth_usa

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

@TheTimmyToes

[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse

@ArfMeasures

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

@rolldiggity

Even scarier than seeing a shark fin in the water is seeing a lion mane, because you know the chase isn’t over once you reach land.

@Vodkantots

If I were really famous, I wouldn’t even need body guards.

These maxi pads promise me 10 hours of protection, each.

@geowizzacist

I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.