I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
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My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.