[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
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I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty