Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me

I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.

Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again

[burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

“Awww. There there.”

*pats you on the face. Hard

“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”

*Every other site goes down*

“Guess who’s back…back again.”

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson

While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.

Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

ant-man: im here to stop u

bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]

ant-man: motherf

Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.

“Come out of your shell” they said.

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best

Alice: I’m late.

White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line

Alice:

White Rabbit:

Alice: *stares*

White Rabbit: oh shit

When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants

“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”

*vending machines have entered the chat*

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜

My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.