Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

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At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.


My neighbor can’t understand why he just found human shit on his front porch.

I can’t understand why he would use a power saw at 5:48 am.


[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you


When I see 18 wheelers carrying something covered with a tarp, I just assume that it’s an injured Transformer.


How to cure a headache

1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.


My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.


When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home


Cool story bro, needs more dragons and shit – how Game of Thrones started, probably.


Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.