Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
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Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!