Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
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Me: Whatcha doin?
12yo: Catching up on Walking Dead.
Me: Did Hershel die yet?
Me: Guess not.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
SATAN: Hey I bought your soul on Craigslist last week?
ME: No returns
SATAN: Please. It’s making me sad
I’ve started picking up dudes by walking into Starbucks and “accidentally” dropping my recipe for bacon tacos.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.