[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life
Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
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Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
My current diet is similar to a 9yr old who just found $20.
what the signs deserve in 2019:
Leo: okay now
Virgo: that they’ve
Libra: stopped reading
Scorpio: i think
Sagittarius: animal crossing
Capricorn: for switch
Aquarius: might have
Pisces: pigeons as townspeople
I hate when my wife says her friend at work “got flowers again today” and I have to kill that chick’s husband.