@_wendyb07

Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.

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@SteveSuckington

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

@_The_Man__

Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”

@amydillon

Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.

@BlotterMonkey

Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.

@goodbeanalt

[at the cheesecake factory]

me: I will have the cheesecake

waiter: okay

@jonnysun

the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

@imskytrash

what the signs deserve in 2019:

Aries: peace
Taurus: rest
Gemini: happiness
Cancer: love
Leo: okay now
Virgo: that they’ve
Libra: stopped reading
Scorpio: i think
Sagittarius: animal crossing
Capricorn: for switch
Aquarius: might have
Pisces: pigeons as townspeople

@kcmoore51

I hate when my wife says her friend at work “got flowers again today” and I have to kill that chick’s husband.