@_wendyb07

Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.

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@peteholmes

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

@BuckyIsotope

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

@steveolivas

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.

@Grommit56

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

@TheHyyyype

[creation of walrus]

god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard

angel: sorry, come again?

god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers

angel: dude what

god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula

angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse

@_SingleBabyMama

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

@WheelTod

“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.

@amydillon

BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.

@david8hughes

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.