@Smooheed

Yes beer, it’s definitely time to try out my karaoke skills on the front lawn again

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@Book_Krazy

Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again

Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony

Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one

@UncleDuke1969

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

@robfee

Slash: Ok whats Paradise City like?
Izzy: Pretty girls?
“Yeah!”
Axl: Nice lawns!
“Huh?”
Axl: Green grass!
“Grass is alw-”
Axl: JUST WRITE IT

@RodLacroix

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

@MourningGlory_

Whenever someone tells me they get a “high” from running, all I’m thinking is, “You’ve obviously never been high before.”

@pilau

friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on

@Tmoney68

A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.

@chrisdowning

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

@TheDizzyBeauty

Thank God for semi colon’s. How would I have ever been able to flirt if they didn’t exist?