Yes beer, it’s definitely time to try out my karaoke skills on the front lawn again

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Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again

Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony

Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one


Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer


Slash: Ok whats Paradise City like?
Izzy: Pretty girls?
Axl: Nice lawns!
Axl: Green grass!
“Grass is alw-”


My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]


Whenever someone tells me they get a “high” from running, all I’m thinking is, “You’ve obviously never been high before.”


friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on


A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.


You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.


Thank God for semi colon’s. How would I have ever been able to flirt if they didn’t exist?