2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
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My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.