Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
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The self-esteem powered car! Come take it for a drive
ME: uh okay *gets in*
[CAR JUST LITERALLY FALLS APART]
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
GUY: I dare you
G: I double dog dare you
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Dad:I don’t trust those trees…..
Son: Why? What do you mean?
Dad: They seem kind of shady
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over