Yes, but it was never about money
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[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?