Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
You Might Also Like
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit