Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
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I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.