Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”

I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.

*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*

Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.

[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip

Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit

Me: We are leaving in an hour

Teens: Okay

*58 mins later*

Teens: *start cooking their lunch*

What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”

That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work

if I can survive this, I can survive anything

me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.

me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?

when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real

I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal

spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

that’s really how it is

a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.

Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*

“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”

“I’m sorry I feel that way.”

DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?

Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?

DM:

ME:hello…you there

don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels

Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past

Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.