Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
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Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no