Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.

Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.

first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

i hope this email finds you fast and furious

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”

[Funeral]

He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”

Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?

The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.

My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life

(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!

Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.

There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?

What a relief. Bring on the nukes

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]

[doctor’s office]

Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!

Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio

*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

her: what do you do for a living

me: I can’t tell you

her: like a spy

me: no I’m an eye doctor

her: oh an ophthalmologist

me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it

I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?