Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
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Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Mountain Goat : )
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard