Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
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My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
If you don’t leave covered in the blood of your vanquished enemies, did you even try your hardest at the father/son 3-legged race?
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”