@weinerdog4life

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

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@Contwixt

Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

@Lhlodder

My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.

@ClichedOut

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

@AnniemuMary

I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.

@drinksmcgee

If you don’t leave covered in the blood of your vanquished enemies, did you even try your hardest at the father/son 3-legged race?

@NewDadNotes

Wife: our toddler just hit me.

Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.

[later]

Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-

Daughter: I’m sorry.

Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.

@TheDreamGhoul

saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming

@BigMedwards

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

@Social_Mime

My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.

@kahearstee

5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”