[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
You Might Also Like
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
called in thicc to work this morning
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno