nothing saves money like being antisocial
Yes he’s financially stable & hasn’t been to jail for domestic violence like the other guy but I can change the other guy wait & see – Women
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Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
100 million years ago there were no creationists.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
I told my kids it was Easter today. They’ve been outside for 7 hours looking for eggs
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Why is everything so sticky?
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
My signature move at parties is flirting with a cute guy for half an hour before realizing he’s actually a bag of Cheetos