@That_Damn_Duck

Yes he’s financially stable & hasn’t been to jail for domestic violence like the other guy but I can change the other guy wait & see – Women

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@DanMentos

[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep

@SentenceReduced

”How’d you get that scar on your head?”

[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]

”Stopped a bank robbery”

@pilau

HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!

Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale

@POTerritory

Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.

@bestestname

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

@FinallyHeSleeps

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

@The_Albinoshrek

Doctor: This happens to some people over 40

Medusa: You’re saying I have a reptile disfunction?

@ShittySuze

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.