Yes he’s financially stable & hasn’t been to jail for domestic violence like the other guy but I can change the other guy wait & see – Women

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Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct


Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.


I told my kids it was Easter today. They’ve been outside for 7 hours looking for eggs


cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe


Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.


Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.


My signature move at parties is flirting with a cute guy for half an hour before realizing he’s actually a bag of Cheetos