@weinerdog4life
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
@That_Damn_Duck
Yes he’s financially stable & hasn’t been to jail for domestic violence like the other guy but I can change the other guy wait & see – Women
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@weinerdog4life
@DanMentos
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
@SentenceReduced
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
@pilau
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
@POTerritory
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
@bestestname
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
@BrownDogBlanket
RED BULL: gives you wings
WELL READ BULL: teaches you dynamics of flight
@FinallyHeSleeps
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
@The_Albinoshrek
Doctor: This happens to some people over 40
Medusa: You’re saying I have a reptile disfunction?
@ShittySuze
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.