Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Yes he’s financially stable & hasn’t been to jail for domestic violence like the other guy but I can change the other guy wait & see – Women
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[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
RED BULL: gives you wings
WELL READ BULL: teaches you dynamics of flight
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Doctor: This happens to some people over 40
Medusa: You’re saying I have a reptile disfunction?
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.