@That_Damn_Duck

Yes he’s financially stable & hasn’t been to jail for domestic violence like the other guy but I can change the other guy wait & see – Women

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@rebrafsim

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

@skillsmcgill

Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.

@JustCaseyAF

I told my kids it was Easter today. They’ve been outside for 7 hours looking for eggs

@OllyiConic

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

@KellyMeldrum

Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.

@_Water_Baby

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

@lwhit_the_boss

My signature move at parties is flirting with a cute guy for half an hour before realizing he’s actually a bag of Cheetos