when you have 47 tabs open, a netflix movie running, and a zoom meeting that’s minimized on your little laptop
Yes, how much for the baby jacuzzi?
Ma’am, that’s a crockpot.
You Might Also Like
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.
The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h?o?u?r?s? marriages
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Someone a few houses over is having a party. I can hear the music and laughter and people enjoying themselves. I’m calling the damn cops.