Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

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My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.


Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number


Me: Your baby looks exactly like you.
Her: Thanks!
Me: k


I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges


Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.

Me: Oh great, another reboot!


[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*


[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”



911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu


my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”