Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
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6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?