My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
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Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
Me: Seriously? You forgot already??
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Me: Your baby looks exactly like you.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
911: Did you ring yesterday?
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”