Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
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apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.