Human are so complicated
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Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.