Yes, I am aware pigs are more intelligent than dogs. Why would I want to eat an inferior animal and absorb its lesser powers?

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Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation


What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave


I was simply stating that your crying child MIGHT fit comfortably in the overhead compartment, lady. #butseriously


“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*


me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.



I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.


I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right


My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.