If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Yes, I am aware pigs are more intelligent than dogs. Why would I want to eat an inferior animal and absorb its lesser powers?
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What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
I was simply stating that your crying child MIGHT fit comfortably in the overhead compartment, lady. #butseriously
Hey boy, are you a nap? because I wanna have you all the time.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Me: I look cute today.