@The_MartiniGirl

Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.

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@ZachXJ

I lost 50 pounds by having my wallet stolen in London AND YOU CAN TOO

@InternetHippo

A boot camp for people who are uncomfortable accepting compliments where a drill sergeant aggressively yells nice things at you

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.

@blainecapatch

a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people

@xLiserx

*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*

@rockymomax

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

@McSwtrvst

*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS

@humorandanimals

when he dropped the ball it was like “this is getting good”
(shadowtheaussie IG)

@electrolemon

yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose

@Megatronic13

Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!