I lost 50 pounds by having my wallet stolen in London AND YOU CAN TOO
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
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A boot camp for people who are uncomfortable accepting compliments where a drill sergeant aggressively yells nice things at you
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
when he dropped the ball it was like “this is getting good”
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!