Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
You Might Also Like
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description