Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
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Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body