yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.

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“Bro, rumor has it ur dads emo now”
“Emo? Nah yo, EMU”
“Im confused..”
*A massive bird moonwalks in w/ a #1 Dad shirt*
“Hi confused, Im Dad”


Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.


Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!


My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.


Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit


I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.


how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things


In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.

~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.


ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…

*looks up from hospital bed*

ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…

ME: Oh.