@marybethbarone

yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.

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@dannylonglegs99

“Bro, rumor has it ur dads emo now”
“Emo? Nah yo, EMU”
“Im confused..”
*A massive bird moonwalks in w/ a #1 Dad shirt*
“Hi confused, Im Dad”

@JohnLyonTweets

Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.

@BeingDBEAST

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

@amishschool

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

@AndrewChamings

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

@iNusku

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

@hopiecan

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

@_davidlucas_

In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.

~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.

@dubiousgenius

ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…

*looks up from hospital bed*

ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…

ME: Oh.