Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
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*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday