Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
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I feel it
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash