Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.

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* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole


Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??


I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.


I turned off Auto-Correct for the first time, and now my new girlfriend thinks she has a face that launched a 1000 shits.


40 years later:
– Grandpa, sing me a song of your youth.
– Oppa Gangnam Style. Opp, opp, opp, opp!


[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk


Saw a guy walking down the street talking to himself, hand gestures and all…So I did the right thing, stopped and told him about Twitter.


Not entirely sure what a “propriate” is, but apparently I’m in it…