Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
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Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke