@envydatropic
@AnnoGalactic
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piรฑata
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@AnnoGalactic
@notacroc
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
@AlyT81
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
@shutupmikeginn
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
@JohnHilsen
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
@Book_Krazy
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
@SequelsWeWant
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
@UghNotAgain
Husbands.
Can’t live with ’em but have to take out the garbage and pay for everything without them.
@Hormonella
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
@michaelianblack
The only thing that would prevent my wife from going to Pilates class would be if they invented a more expensive form of exercise.