@envydatropic

YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?

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@AnnoGalactic

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piรฑata

@notacroc

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

@AlyT81

Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.

@shutupmikeginn

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

@JohnHilsen

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

@Book_Krazy

[At Mall]

Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!

Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS

Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*

@SequelsWeWant

2001 A Space Odyssey 2

The spaceship returns

HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.

He never works.

He becomes the basis for Windows 10.

@UghNotAgain

Husbands.
Can’t live with ’em but have to take out the garbage and pay for everything without them.

@Hormonella

Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.

@michaelianblack

The only thing that would prevent my wife from going to Pilates class would be if they invented a more expensive form of exercise.