YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
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Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.