driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
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Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.