P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
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The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.