@PetrickSara

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?

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@longwall26

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

@Mr_Kapowski

*wife and I start having an argument in a crowded restaurant*
*she storms out upset*
*I follow*

Outside: “DINE AND DASH SUCCESS!” *high 5*

@SortaBad

JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

@redditships

My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart

@Zombie_Kit

Isn’t Megan Fox a little old to be hanging out with the TEENAGE mutant ninja turtles?

@Parentpains

Some of you change your avi like I change my underwear. Every three days.

@dave_cactus

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

@wumother

Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?

@Reverend_Scott

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.