Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
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People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Nothing.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.