When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
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I always see homeless people walking around with cups of change. I bet they could afford a house if they werent drinking money all the time.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
I love people until they have the nerve to tell me & the inflatable swan that I was passed out drunk on all night, to get out of their driveway.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.