@Its_Miss_Riss

YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir

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@ObscureGent

When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi

@AdamTheLobster

I always see homeless people walking around with cups of change. I bet they could afford a house if they werent drinking money all the time.

@phranqueigh

I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed

@SirEviscerate

This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.

@Michael1979

At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017

@amishschool

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

@DairylandDon

[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know

Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid

@Wine_Honey1

I love people until they have the nerve to tell me & the inflatable swan that I was passed out drunk on all night, to get out of their driveway.

@IchBin_Rob

[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.