Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
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It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.