Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.

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My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.


Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?


I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.


Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.


ME: i need a loan so i can build a robot army to take over the world with
BANKER: what
M: oops i meant ‘with which to take over the world’


Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.


[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*


Everything is so great right now, she exclaimed.
Morgan Freeman: It WAS great. And so it was now that the universe decided to intervene.


-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you


[My son’s 1st day of school]

ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast

TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now