Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
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I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.