Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
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Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
tis the season
Blew my mind.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
The devil.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace