Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
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<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.