Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

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me: i didn’t think bird box was that good

the internet: you actually watched it? you were just supposed to make memes about it you idiot


My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.


Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid


btw I learned this tonight: DO NOT image search “scrotum” because people only post pictures using a medical name if there’s something wrong


sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings


Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away


I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?


Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone


me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*