Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
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The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Kermit goes Blue.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I only eat vegetarians.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke