@DearAuntAbby

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

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@clichedout

me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is

her: ur welcome

me: it really means a lot

@KentWGraham

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

@TheWidowmakerX

Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..

One. Kernel. At. A. Time.

@krisv_723

*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.

@moooooog35

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

@AntozWolf

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

@david8hughes

[cat shelter]
Me: so u don’t test for it but u say none of them have it?
Owner: we’ve never come across a cat with martial arts training, no

@Jenn_H_Scott

7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?

Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are

7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!

@LostFelicia

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

@cuntbucketOG

Twitter gives me renewed faith there’s always someone more stupid.