“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
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when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Do you think the guy responsible for squirting water in NFL players’ mouths has “rehydration specialist” listed on his LinkedIn profile?
In 20 years, I bet there’s going to be a college course called eye contact.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
4: “Mom, I’m gonna be just like you when I grow up and say bad words and eat French fries two at a time.”