me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
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I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Me: so u don’t test for it but u say none of them have it?
Owner: we’ve never come across a cat with martial arts training, no
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Twitter gives me renewed faith there’s always someone more stupid.