@CornOnTheGoblin
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
@DearAuntAbby
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
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@CornOnTheGoblin
@warmyellowlight
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
@Paige__xxx
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
@WheelTod
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
@Angibangie
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
@heat_packingDr
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
@caperbc75
Do you think the guy responsible for squirting water in NFL players’ mouths has “rehydration specialist” listed on his LinkedIn profile?
@jjhartinger
In 20 years, I bet there’s going to be a college course called eye contact.
@KeetPotato
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
@ashleyaustrew
4: “Mom, I’m gonna be just like you when I grow up and say bad words and eat French fries two at a time.”