@DearAuntAbby

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

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@CornOnTheGoblin

“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”

*sigh*

“Because you don’t b-”

“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”

@warmyellowlight

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

@Paige__xxx

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

@WheelTod

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

@Angibangie

Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually

@heat_packingDr

Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.

Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!

@caperbc75

Do you think the guy responsible for squirting water in NFL players’ mouths has “rehydration specialist” listed on his LinkedIn profile?

@jjhartinger

In 20 years, I bet there’s going to be a college course called eye contact.

@KeetPotato

elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]

@ashleyaustrew

4: “Mom, I’m gonna be just like you when I grow up and say bad words and eat French fries two at a time.”