You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
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[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
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