“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
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[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
When you let grandma cat sit
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.