YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
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Hello Twits.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
It’s a gift
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?