[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
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Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?