@oxygenplug

“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”

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@GrantTanaka

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

@3sunzzz

If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.

@Smethanie

The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor

@TheNardvark

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

@RodLacroix

My kids won’t stop bugging me for an in-ground pool so tonight we’re watching Poltergeist.

@stephenjmolloy

Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”

Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”

Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”

@EJGomez

[introducing you to my family]
“this is my son Carson, my daughter Boatdaughter, & our dog Motorcyclepet”

@Gre_Gone

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.