“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
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The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Your secret is safeish with me
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”