Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
You Might Also Like
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
gm
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad