@68Cly29

Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect

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@gerryhatric

According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.

@roxiqt

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

@iamfase

The greatest trick Facebook ever pulled was to convince the world we actually want to keep in touch with people we went to school with.

@BlairLoudly

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

@daemonic3

Who called it an “insanity plea” and not a “loco motion”?

@KalvinMacleod

DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.

@colonel_trilL

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

@Ivsy01

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

@nayele18maybe

If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.

@Cheeseboy22

Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”