According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
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Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
The greatest trick Facebook ever pulled was to convince the world we actually want to keep in touch with people we went to school with.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Who called it an “insanity plea” and not a “loco motion”?
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”