Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
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If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
dutch is not a serious language
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning